The biggest weight of, well, any emotion in all of that for me was this overwhelming sense of guilt and of being "unclean," because basically, we were made to understand that
1. If you got raped or assaulted, as a woman, it was because you provoked the man in some way. They didn't necessarily say it that bluntly, but the understanding was, if you got it, you'd asked for it.
2. That I was trash, pure and simple, because I wasn't a virgin anymore. That, coupled with an alternate compulsion to have sex because well, wasn't I already messed up and because, too, it felt good, and there wasn't much else in my life that made me feel good about anything, much less myself. (And I'm not sure that sentence even made sense, heh.)
And that's something that lingers with me, even to this day. I don't necessarily regret anything I have done for philosophical or theological reasons-- why the flying fuck would any sort of God (should S/he exist) take that much of a prurient interest in my sex life? -- but at the same time, all that lifetime of indoctrination is SO hard to fight off, and when I get depressed, it comes tumbling down to the point of me wondering why trash like myself is even allowed to live.
Meh. Victorianism and protestanism as practiced in the US have a lot to answer for, in my book.
If I ever, God forbid, have children, boy howdy will we be having the sex talk a LONG TIME before puberty ever sets in. As soon as they are old enough to start wondering about the sexual images around them, we would be talking about it. There would be no question in my kid's mind as to the "mystery" of sex -- and yes, I would give them access to birth control and condoms...along with an explanation of the responsiblity sex brings (potential parenthood, disease, etc). Not that I would want to encourage them, but believe me, your kids are having sex regardless of whether or not you teach abstinence, and I'd certain rather they KNOW than to end up getting screwed over by what they DON'T know.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2005-03-22 08:41 pm (UTC)1. If you got raped or assaulted, as a woman, it was because you provoked the man in some way. They didn't necessarily say it that bluntly, but the understanding was, if you got it, you'd asked for it.
2. That I was trash, pure and simple, because I wasn't a virgin anymore. That, coupled with an alternate compulsion to have sex because well, wasn't I already messed up and because, too, it felt good, and there wasn't much else in my life that made me feel good about anything, much less myself. (And I'm not sure that sentence even made sense, heh.)
And that's something that lingers with me, even to this day. I don't necessarily regret anything I have done for philosophical or theological reasons-- why the flying fuck would any sort of God (should S/he exist) take that much of a prurient interest in my sex life? -- but at the same time, all that lifetime of indoctrination is SO hard to fight off, and when I get depressed, it comes tumbling down to the point of me wondering why trash like myself is even allowed to live.
Meh. Victorianism and protestanism as practiced in the US have a lot to answer for, in my book.
If I ever, God forbid, have children, boy howdy will we be having the sex talk a LONG TIME before puberty ever sets in. As soon as they are old enough to start wondering about the sexual images around them, we would be talking about it. There would be no question in my kid's mind as to the "mystery" of sex -- and yes, I would give them access to birth control and condoms...along with an explanation of the responsiblity sex brings (potential parenthood, disease, etc). Not that I would want to encourage them, but believe me, your kids are having sex regardless of whether or not you teach abstinence, and I'd certain rather they KNOW than to end up getting screwed over by what they DON'T know.
{/sermon} Sorry...got on a soap box there...